to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
