I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
