I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
