Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
