This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
