it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
