We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
