all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
