the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
