It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
