I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
