I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
