WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
