Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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