I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
