I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she told me i tasted like america
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
