I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just pee around me
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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