last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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