found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
