The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
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The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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