ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
