we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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