Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
