K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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