Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
he high fived his dick after we had sex
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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