OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
