I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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