My cat gives me a boner
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
