Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
why do cheetos always look like penises
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
