I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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