i think my tv is drunk
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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