Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
