this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
