Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
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Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
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Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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