The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
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Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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