sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
