I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
