so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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