There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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