Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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