I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
