Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Need sex. Gaining weight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
