TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
