Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
