if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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