he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
