I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
