i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
