She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
