At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
