I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
