god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
