drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So much rum. So many feels.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
